


Healing Psyche

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds, Spencer Reid - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Self-Hatred, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 21:48:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9204725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry ;)





	

You’d never be like that.

Strong like Emily, beautiful like JJ, self-confident like Garcia.

Everyone said you already were, that one day you’d get to believing it yourself - that you just needed time to work through the torture you’d endured for two years - but you couldn’t see it. He’d done too much damage to your psyche; there was no coming back from it.

Months prior, you had gotten accepted to work with the BAU, just weeks after leaving the man that tore you down to shreds. But every day since, you couldn’t help but look at your co-workers and realize that you’d never be them. Longingly, you’d look at JJ, her beautiful smile and general perfection leaving you feeling inferior and ugly. You’d look at Emily, her indomitable strength telling everyone in her path that she was not to be trifled with. You’d look at Garcia, her innate ability to make people smile being something you could never do. 

You were ugly, weak, self-deprecating. You hated yourself. There wasn’t a time you could remember not hating yourself.

Although you had no desire to, there was an FBI formal dinner that you were supposed to attend. Standing in front of the mirror, you looked up and down your short frame. You’d picked out a navy blue a-line floor length gown with a little bit of navy blue threading in the shape of flowers at the neckline. Since you had no chest to speak of, you could get away with the plunging neckline. Everything else however was covered up, and it did wonders to distract from your waistline. You wanted to be wearing something more modern, shiny - the kind of dress that made everyone want to look at you, but you didn’t have the confidence for it, so you found the prettiest dress you could.

When you got to the hall, you took a deep breath before going inside; you had to brace yourself to be around these people that you loved, but also that intimidated you so much, through no fault of their own.

Once you were ready, you headed inside, putting on that all-too-familiar fake smile of a woman who’d had her smile taken away by the person closest to her. “You all look beautiful and handsome,” you said, looking at each member of your team. They all cleaned up amazingly well. Each one of your friends commented on the statuesque, royal nature of your dress, told you that you looked beautiful, but you didn’t believe it; they were just being nice.

As you sat down at the table, you took in each of your female co-workers dresses. Emily was wearing a dark green lace dress with a satin belt; she looked like a goddess. JJ was wearing a straight gown with a sweetheart neckline in various shades of purple that faded from one into the other; she looked like the gorgeous model she always did. And Penelope wore a floor-length a-line dress with a sweetheart neckline and little pink and orange flowers all over it; it was a dress only she could pull off. Her uniqueness shined like the sun.

While you felt okay standing in front of your mirror before, now you felt small and insignificant - no one cared whether you were here or not. You could feel the tears swelling up, but you refused to cry in front of your team, so you excused yourself from the table, doing your best to shield your face from the rest of your friends as you made your exit.

You walked out the back door, breathing in the fresh air and feel the cool breeze on your face; you needed a few minutes to compose yourself, to allow a tear or two to fall before heading back inside. 

As you watched a tear fall to the ground, you noticed a pair of footsteps coming out of the back door and quickly wiped your tears away. “Are you okay?” Spencer asked, a worried look adorning his beautiful face. 

“I-I’m fine,” you breathed, air catching in your throat.

He shook his head. “You’re not okay. Is there anything I can do?”

“You can’t do anything, Spencer. Why would you want to anyway?”

“My friend is hurting,” he said sadly, “I wanna help.”

“I need a lot more help than you can give to undo the damage that was done to me,” you admitted out loud. You’d never mentioned why you broke up with your ex, just that you did.

He looked livid. “What did he do to you?” he asked hotly.

“He made me feel unworthy,” you said simply. “He made me hate myself. He made me feel as if I was never enough. And now I don’t know how to feel any other way.” You started to cry again, the feelings you’d worked to keep at bay flooding back to you in an instant. “I was just looking at how beautiful JJ and Emily and Garcia are and feeling insignificant in comparison. I was told on a near daily basis that I was ugly and weak and he was the only man that would ever love me - and for a long time I believed it - and sometimes still do.”

Spencer’s lips parted in shock and sadness. “I’m so sorry, Y/N,” he replied, his own eyes brimming with tears. In the short time you’d known him, you’d seen he was a sensitive individual. “But he’s the disgusting excuse for human refuse,” he continued. “You’re one of the most beautiful, talented, intelligent women I’ve ever met.”

You smiled weakly. “Thanks, but I just can’t believe it.” He reached for your hand, clasping it gently.

“You said you were dating him for two years, right?” he asked, his thumb rubbing against your palm. “He’s done a lot of damage in two years, but you aren’t damaged. It’ll take time to see yourself how you really are.”

“I hope so,” you replied, the tears coming to a stop. You dragged your fingers across the underside of your eyes, trying to get rid of any evidence of sadness.

“It’ll happen,” he said convincingly, a small hopeful smile giving you a bit of strength. “And I’ll believe it for you every day until you can believe it for yourself.”


End file.
